hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
