masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize