I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
