drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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