My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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