she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
My bed smells like the plague
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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