I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
