I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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