Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
