I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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