Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
