In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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