I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
