I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
its liver damage thursday
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
