Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
