I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
