I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
