There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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