i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
People with herpes should wear stickers.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Are my feet made of real feet?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
