my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
