Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
