I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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