Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
