Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
