69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
