How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
