Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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