No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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