you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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