I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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