you traded sex for a burrito?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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