I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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