chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
