I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
high people should be assigned attendants
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
