He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
