So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
