Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize