i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He kissed a someone with a penis
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
