Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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