She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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