your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize