Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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