took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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