I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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