Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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