grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
