I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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