She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
