Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
