haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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