the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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