My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
tell me about the eggs
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
