I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize