we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
