Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
