No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My life is pants optional.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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