What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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