just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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