I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
