My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize