Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
