I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
