remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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